Check this out!

I've been thinking about changing this blog up with a few healthy living posts. I've been reading a lot of food blogs lately. Check out the contest at Heather Bakes!

Happy Anniversary AND 100th post!

Wow! Two milestones! I can't believe I have been married for 3 years. My husband and I have actually been together 8 years. We've gone through a lot together, good and bad. I can't imagine my life without him. He challenges me to stand up for myself and to be more confident. He shares my love of organization and order. He follows through with a task and works hard to achieve his goals. Best of all he loves me for who I am. He loves all the good things about me and even the bad. Our relationship has changed for the better since trying to have a child. I know that together we can handle what ever God has in store for us. It was my hope that on this special day I could give him a gift of and BFP and share it with you on my 100th post but that is not meant to be. And so we journey onward seeing what God has in store for us in the years to come.

Avoidance

Lat night we got back from a four day trip to see my sister-in-law, her husband, and my two nephews, one who was born just 2 1/2 months ago. It was a great trip. Of course on the way there AF showed up. I was really okay with it, I was too busy playing with my nephews to notice. I haven't been around a baby for a long period of time and boy! Do they look like a lot of work! Not that I'm not ready for that, it just put things in perspective. Tonight I was invited for "girls night" with some friends. Even though I love these gals and haven't seen most of them for a long time I lied and told them I was busy. I did this for a few reasons. For one we got back late last night, I'm behind on cleaning, laundry, and groceries and I just want a night at home. For another reason we ate like crap for four days and I just didn't want another meal out. Plus our anniversary is tomorrow and we are going out for that. Finally I didn't want to go because before AF even came I decided if it turned out I wasn't pregnant I just couldn't sit through a whole night of them talking about their kids. This is what happened last time and I was really bored. I also thought if AF wasn't there it would be hard to explain why I wasn't drinking. I feel kind of bad about this but not really because I know myself and I know what I need when I need it. So yeah, back to life...it's getting busy at work!

CD 28 and only one person can make me feel like this! **Updated**

Well, I just realized today that I am on CD28. According to my fertility software I am only 10DPO, I would say more like 11 or 12. So, I guess I should be expecting AF tomorrow or Thursday (software says Friday). Funny thing is I have no symptoms and my temp hasn't dropped yet. So phantom pregnancy symptoms or PMS. Weird. I don't even have bad acne which seems to pop up before AF. My average cycle length is 28 days and my average LP is 12 so we shall see.
So, I have a little work issue I'm dealing with here. First let me explain. I have three bosses. The priest which is like the CEO and then one boss for Youth Ministry (The DRE) and one for Campus Ministry (Campus Minister, I'm considered the associate campus minister). The CM and I have always had a very strained relationship and it is not good. It makes going to work and doing my job quiet awful at times. I've come to accept that he is just a unique individual and I can't change him, I shouldn't take what he says or does personally and I can only change how I react to him. Seeing and email in my box (always with the no subject in the subject line) immediately makes my stomach turns and makes me to think, "What now?". Here is the one I got today:
After the first couple weeks of the semester, when formal student registration ends, i am planning to not be around on Saturdays, taking a day off. Would you please plan to cover the Saturday Mass, welcoming students and making announcements. Thank you.

Does it seem to anyone else that he is just assuming that I will be doing this? Also let me explain that from September to December and then January from May I work an average of 4 nights a week (one of these is always Sunday night Mass) in addition to being in the office 7hours a day 4 days a week. Sometimes I work 5-6 nights a week depending on the week. I am also expected to be here Sunday morning. I ask, would this be in addition to all of this??? As of right now Saturday is the only day of the week my husband and I have off together and sometimes I don't even have that off!

Fortunately for me "the priest" discussed this with me in our meeting last week so I was prepared for it. However when I got this email I immediately began shaking and my mind began racing, I couldn't focus on reading my other emails. Why??? I don't know! (perhaps this irrational reaction is PMS rearing its ugly head?). Still, this is what my life has been like for three years. After I calmed down a bit I spoke with the priest and asked if this is something we should discuss as a group or something I need to approach my other boss about individually. He was like, "whatever." Then I asked if I was trading Sunday Mass for Saturday Mass and he said he wasn't sure but he thought so. Part of me wants to go over and talk to my other boss so I can stop thinking about it. But another part of me is afraid there will be confrontation and I do not like confrontation. I even went so far as walking over near his office but I chickened out. I NEED to get over this! Part of my own personal problem is that I don't communicate how I am feeling to him. He is just such a challenge to deal with!! Honestly I'm not sure why he needs a day off but that is a whole other story.

So that's me right now after having a nice weekend, a great day off and a short week (leaving Thursday night for Detroit) I'm unnecessarily crabby (PMS?) and maybe by the end of the week I'll find out I'm not pregnant again...oh well didn't have much hope this time anyway.

***Update***
So, I went home for lunch and instead of watching mindless television like a normally do (shhhh don't tell anyone!) I decided to read the daily scripture. The first reading from Deuteronomy had a message for me: "Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the LORD your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you." Okay God I get it! So I screwed up my courage and went in to talk to my boss as soon as I got back from lunch. It went well. Of course I made it up to be so much more horrible in my mind then it was. I don't think anything really got solved but at least the cards are on the table.

Perspective on TTC after one year

Almost a year ago (August 12th 2008) I started my first cycle where we were actually going to try and conceive. I guess that's why even though I'm on cycle 13 I still only consider us trying for one year. In my naive mind I thought it would "work" on the first or maybe second try. If that would have been the case we would have an infant right now. Sometimes it's hard to think about that especially when I see people with infants. Many of the ladies I started following on www.babyfit.com in the trying to conceive first child board are posting pics and stories of their new little ones. Surprisingly thought I am not feeling down about this. I am happy with "our plan" in the world of TTC and know that what ever does happen will be in God's plan. We have had a WONDERFUL summer. I did a triathlon, I took kids on a mission trip, I started grad school, we've done little mini trips all over the Midwest, we've partied like rock stars, and there is even more fun to come all which would have been very hard or not happened at all if we had a baby. I'm looking ahead to this school year with an open mind. I am trying not to think about, "but what if I'm pregnant?" during this event or that event. Because of this journey I've found out so much about trying to conceive and "met" so many wonderful people and shared their stories through their blogs. I've learned more about natural eating and have tried many new food ideas because of it. When I started this blog it was to talk about my challenges working in ministry. Rarely do I post about such things now. I'm not sure if I will change blogs or start a new one or just keep rambling from my soul! Thanks to all of you who actually do read this. I am inspired and entertained by your stories and hope mine can do that same. Have a great weekend everyone! I'm out of here!

I'm calling this cycle a wash!

Don't worry I haven't lost total hope, not until AF arrives will I ever lose total hope. I just think there are too many factors that lead me to believe there is no way we conceived this cycle. We BDed on CD 12 and 14. I got a positive OPK on Thursday (CD 16). We BDed that night. On Friday I didn't have time to take an OPK at my normal time because we had to leave for our friend's party (about 2 hours away) so I didn't take one at all. On Friday I also drank WAY too much as I mentioned in the previous post. Based on OPK my fertility software said I O'd on Friday. I don't know what the affects of alcohol are during ovulation but they can't be good. I didn't temp. Sat. morning because I had no idea what time I woke up (pretty sure it wasn't my normal 5:30am) and I was certain the alcohol from the night before would affect my temp anyway. We had "planned" on trying to BD Sat. night when we got home but we were both too tired/hungover. I continued to temp and chart my other signs and today my fertility software said I O'd on Sat. Great! We didn't BD even close to that day! Based on other fertility signs I would say I O'd late Thursday or early Friday but like I said I drank way too much. Let's just say I won't be surprised if AF comes some time late next week.
I told DH that I thought we should chart one more cycle since I'll O in August and if we still haven't conceived to take a break from charting during the fall/hunting. Last year he was totally stressed out during his favorite time of the year because I kept demanding he come home and we BD! Plus my work really amps up during that time. I'm also getting really sick of charting. Based on what I've seen I am sure I ovulate regularly between CD 14 and 16. I think I'll chart again in December and then make an annual appointment with an OB versus my family doctor in January. That is if we haven't conceived by then. That will be 17 cycles of trying...wow! I don't know how I feel about fertility treatments yet but I guess I don't have to think about that for awhile. As my boss says, "Don't get caught up in the details yet!"
So that's it me for now. I simply can not read or write blogs at work any more. The woman I share an office with is in there ALL THE TIME (she has a two month break in the summer)! She even eats her lunch in front of her computer...annoying. I mean, take a break already!

Divorce amd too much partying

So, we just got back from this party that was out of town. This buddy of DH got divorced less than a year ago and was having a house warming party. He and his ex wife are still amicable. I barely knew them as a couple but I like both of them a lot. His ex wife wasn't at the party and it was CRAZY! I drank way to much.... I mean I passed out at 3am and still feel terrible today. I haven't done that it a long time. If we aren't pregnant this month I will totally blame myself since I am about 1-2DPO. Anyway the buddy if super sweet and huge flirt. I kept my eyes open for the one gal who was single and I found her. He introduced us and she is really nice. By the end of the night they were making out and yes in need she as there this morning before we all left. Not really sure what the whole situation it there but it's just so hard seeing him with someone else. Even DH said it just didn't seem right that the ex and his daughters weren't there. So not only am I hung over but I feel so sad about this divorce. They are the only people our age who I know that are divorced. Sigh! How bad is it that I got that drunk? I'm not even sure how it happened. I feel bad.