Slow Day Ramblings

Well, it's another slow day here at the office. It is VERY quiet as "the priest" is on vacation. When people know he's gone they don't call or stop by as much, plus there is no noon Mass so it is very peaceful here. I've a lot time (too much) to think about this whole TTC process and the possibility of being labeled IF. It's almost time for me to O again, I'm on CD 12 and the signs are starting to show their faces. In the past DH and I started BDing early (cd 10-12) but I've kind of held him off for now. I don't know why. I guess I don't really think it makes any difference at this point. If I look back at all my charts we've tried lots of different timing around O and couple of time even BDed on O day. It's not that I've given up or don't have hope for this cycle I just don't really have any enthusiasm for it. I'm tired of all the timing and charting. If I had to do it all over again I wouldn't have started with charting. I just would have ditched the BC and waited to see what happened. Then, if nothing happened I would have started charting and timing. I guess in my mind since we didn't conceive and we were charting for a year now I think (know?) something is wrong with one or both of us. It's too hard to reverse the process and just give up the charting, I think I'll always know where I am at in my cycle now. We haven't talked about the "what if's". If we don't conceive this cycle AF is due to show her face while I am on our mission trip (perfect right?). So by the time I get back it will be a little late to see a doctor and get BW done for CD 3...right? DH talked to his friend who is an OBGYN and he said it takes 18 months to 2 years to conceive. I find this hard to believe. I mean most people say 1 year right? Also, I find it hard to believe DH actually talks about this stuff to his buddies. I know that this seems kind of like a downer post but I'm really not to sad about it...I've come to accept that this is just how it is for now and I can't do anything about it at the moment. If we don't conceive this cycle I think we'll just try again in August and maybe then look into seeing a doctor. However once fall hits DH is a hunting maniac and my work gets crazy too. Actually if we DID conceive this month it would time out perfect. We don't have anything major going on during what would be the first trimester so we wouldn't have to tell people early. Just some random thoughts on this quiet Tuesday!

Thursday Thirteen

1. I've been at work for 3 hours now and have yet to do any work

2. There really isn't that much work to be done

3. Yesterday for work I promoted our organization at Freshmen Registration on the state university campus

4. Freshmen registration is an interesting study of human behavior

5. It is also an interesting study in currant fashion trends

6. My favorite part of the day was when the parents and their kids were separated. The parents were suppose to go to a talk while the kids registered for classes. A parent approached my booth which was located outside the auditorium where the parents were and said, "I didn't go to the parent presentation, am I missing anything?" my reply was "I have no idea. I didn't go to the presentation either."

7. When there are no parents or kids around I am still expected to sit at our booth. During this time I either knit or read. Yay for getting paid for leisure activities at work.

8. The only bad part was I couldn't figure out how to log on to the University's wireless network so I couldn't surf the web

9. My new office windows face a busy street and across from the street is the University. I love to watch people running, biking, walking etc. but I don't like when they look in at me in my office.

10. Today I closed my shades because it is very hot! Even though the AC is on it just feels cooler with the shades closed.

11. When they renovated our building they took the thermostat for the secretary's office out. Now she doesn't have AC in her office. I feel kind of bad

12. When I'm at work I waste my time on facebook, twitter, reading blogs, and catching up on celebrity gossip.

13. I really should get to work!

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I'm Back!

Well, my four day graduate course was AWESOME! I can truly not put into words what an amazing program this is. If you known anything about Servant Leadership you'll agree with me. Imagine a group of 24 people from all walks of life trying to make the world a better place by learning how to lead as Christ did. That summary doesn't even give it justice! Most of our days were 8 hours long and the time just flew by. I can not wait for my next course in the Fall. My only regret is that I didn't start this program sooner and I wish I could have afforded to take more then one class this summer. I'm back at work now, trying so hard not to let the positive feelings I have from this class disappear as I get back to the nitty gritty of my "job." It couldn't have come at a more perfect time. I have barely given a thought to TTC, or to the fact that I am on Cycle 12. In fact I even forgot to take my temperature two days in a row! Crazy! That's all for now. I tried to get caught up on blogs but there were just so many updates. Hope everyone in the blog world is doing well!

And so...

My temp dropped, AF came full force overnight (nice-not), hoping grad school will keep my mind off of the fact that I am headed into cycle 12...then what?

Trying to be hopeful even though...

my temp dropped from the Triphasic level...but not below the cover line...yet. Of course when I entered in my temp on the computer this morning that hopeful "triphasic" disappeared from yesterday's entry. I WILL NOT give up hope until AF comes, which is suppose to be tomorrow. Sometimes my temp drops before she comes but not always. I have had some pretty bad cramping lately and some weird CM this morning but that's it. I don't know what to think about it. I had cramping before AF last month but never CM before AF. I also don't have any PMS or pregnancy symptoms. Usually I get really tired crabby and emotional and get a really bad headache. But I have nothing. I'm still trying to be hopeful, oh the mind games we play!
The water park was really fun yesterday even though the weather wasn't the greatest. Of course every time I went flying around a corner on a water slide I thought, "I hope if I am pregnant I'm not hurting anything!" My mom didn't wanted to go on any of the REALLY scary slides. She offered to pay for an upgrade ticket so I could go on the roller coasters (she said she didn't want to go) but I declined. The good news is if AF does come I start grad school tomorrow and will be pretty busy so hopefully that will keep my mind off things. I'll keep you posted!

Triphasic

So, it's about 6:30am and I am up and ready to go. I'm headed out with 5 (possibly 6) youth from out parish for a day at a water park. Initially I wasn't going to keep temping after O because I tend to over analyze but like I've said if I had a longer LP with high temps I would test on Father's day. So I entered my temp into my TCOYF software. I had suspected a tripahsic pattern but I thought I had one last month too so I was ignoring it. After I entered all my data the program wrote Triphasic on June 16th. It tells me it detected a triphasic pattern! I am trying not to get my hopes up but it has NEVER said that before! Now, I'm just a little worried about the water park. I LOVE water slides but I don't want to seems like a stick in the mud, plus my mom is coming with us and she'll wonder why I don't want to go on the rides. How dangerous could it be? I'll be on the look out for warning signs! In the meantime I'll be keeping my fingers crossed!

Triathlon Update!

Well, I totally ROCKED the triathlon yesterday! I am so very glad I decided to do this. For a long time I debated and put off signing up because I kept thinking, "What if I'm pregnant?" Last year I really wanted to do this tri because I knew in August we were going to start ttc and of course I'd get pregnant right away and I very well couldn't do a tri after just having a child or being VERY pregnant! Right? But I wasn't able to do the tri last year because I had something going that weekend. I guess I could have sought out a different tri but this one is local and very well organized. So I finally signed up and thought, "Well if I am pregnant I'll ask my doctor and if I can't do it I'm only out $75 which goes to a good cause anyway." So the tri was a 1/4 mile swim, 17 mile bike, and a 5K (3.2mile) run. Two years ago when I did this the bike really kicked my butt I did it in 1hr 7minutes. This time I felt do strong on the bike and when I got back from it to transition to the run my mom yelled, "You're ahead of schedule! Brian didn't think you'd be back for 10 minutes!" As it turned out I did the bike in 57 minutes shaving 10minutes off my previous time! My swim and run were pretty much the same as two years ago with just a few seconds shaved off. Over all I finished in 1hour 30 minutes and 49 seconds. I came in 6th in my age division (25-29) even thought I'm at the top of it. It was the best tri I've ever done and the closest I've come to placing. I felt so good about myself. Today I'm not even sore or tired! For one whole day I forgot about how my body has been failing me in conceiving a child and how awesome it is as an athlete. This is really quiet amazing as I spent most of my young live as an overweight in active person. It has only been in the last 9years that I've taken on this new identity as athlete...it feels so good!
But, I AM ready to take on the identity of "mom." There were a lot of women yesterday with little ones kissing them for good luck. It was super sweet! Of course the thought did cross my mind that if I am pregnant I could have harmed my baby or even unintentionally miscarried it without even knowing. I tried not to think about that. I am 10DPO and my temp is still up. I didn't test and I won't until AF is late...possibly on father's day. That's all I have for now! Hope every one's weekend went well!

Thanks! and TTC news!

Hey Ladies! I just wanted to say thanks for the comments on my last post. I am geared up for the Triathlon and for trying to be more social! It's probably been good that his is my "taper" week for triathlon training, meaning I cut back on my daily workouts in order to be in tip top form on Sunday. I've been laying low, walking, doing yoga. If there is a little one trying to make a home in me it's had a nice calm week!
In TTC news my temp took a big jump UP this morning on 7DPO. I'm trying not to get my hopes up. I wasn't even going to temp after O this cycle for fear of over analyzing my chart but I did because IF I have 16 days of high temps (longer then my average) it will fall on Father's Day and I'll test for sure! Wouldn't that be an awesome gift to my husband and a cool way to tell the grandpa's to be? I hate that I do this to myself. I've done it with almost every cycle. If I am pregnant then we can announce it on...Christmas, or my dad's birthday, mother's day, memorial day! AH! I must stop! No other symptoms except for that I am really hungry even though I haven't been working out as much. That's all! Hope everyone has a good weekend!

I need friends

So, after a lot of thought I decided what my problem... I need more cool friends in my immediate circle. Don't get me wrong I have AWESOME friends BUT many of them live out of town. The ones I do have that live town seem to be very busy (as am I) AND they all have kids soooooo you know what the conversation usually revolves around. For a long time I thought that I really missed teaching. When I got together with my friends to bike the other day I realized something. I do miss teaching but what I really miss is working with people that I get along with at work and outside of work. The folks I went biking with were colleagues of mine about 3 years ago. They are all in their 50's (much like my currant coworkers) but they are so much more social and treat me with respect. I remember the first day I met Dan (he's the guidance counselor). He came into my classroom to meet me. He asked me if I biked and I said yes. "Oh good!" he said. "Meet we'll meet up with Jackie (the PhyEd teacher) at one and ride. And we did. We also went across the street to the Mexican place for beer and food after work. It wasn't like we did a ton of stuff together or had a really deep meaningful friendship but we were social. Right now I work, a lot. When I come home I don't want to be social, I want to be with my husband. I am going to try and make more of an effort to be more social. I know that it is not possible with my coworkers. Our older neighbors are moving and a younger couple (without kids) is moving in. I am really going to try and meet them and get to know them.
In TTC news I'm about half way through the 2ww. No thoughts or "symptoms" to give me a clue. I'm a little worried because on Sunday I am doing a Triathlon. I have trained and feel I can do it but if I am pg will that hurt the baby? Will it cause me to lose a baby I don't even know is there? I'll only be 9dpo so its not like I can test... What do you think? The Triathlon is a sprint distance. I'll swim 1/4 of a mile, bike 17, and run 3. Should take me about an hour and 50 minutes. This is just something I really wanted to do before I got pregnant. I couldn't do it last year because of schedule conflicts and since I didn't have a baby yet I figured I'd give it shot.

Feeling down this morning

It's not even 8:30am and I'm feeling so crabby! I shouldn't be. I'm taking off of work today to meet some friends I haven't seen in like three years to go for an awesome bike ride and then a cook out. One of my girl friends called me this morning to talk about plans for us coming to visit her. She was gushing about her new job with better pay, benefits, 25 days of vacation right of the bat, and good retirement plan retirement. I think that is what started me down this gloomy path. My job kind of stinks. I have none of those things and some days I really don't like my "job" (notice I did not say ministry here). I have this boss who I just don't understand. He asked me to take over leadership for our volunteer group that serves meals at the Salvation Army every Monday. It's just for the summer. Honestly I don't mind doing it even though it is on my day off and I had to work on Memorial day. I understand that he needs a break. But last night he showed up to eat at the Salvation Army because of some the guests missed him. What the hell? I am a married woman who's husband works a 7-3:30 job. It would be nice to spend time with him after work but no, he got home last night and I was off to the SA. My boss who is single and as far as I can tell does not have a life outside of our church claims he NEEDS me to take over for him yet shows up anyway? What is going on? Another example is we have an info table at the Freshmen Registration where we sit all day and promote ourselves. Again, I don't really mind doing it I like talking to people and helping them. I have some other obligations going on this summer with grad school AND the other part of my job, Youth Ministry plus again I wanted to get out of town with my husband. Brian and I sat down and planned out a bunch of mini trips. One we would have to leave early on a Friday. I gave my boss all of my conflicts for Freshmen Registration. For most of the Freshmen Reg. days I was free ALLLLLL day. I get an email back asking my availability for two days one of them being one I needed to leave early for. What about all the other days I offered that I was completely free? Why did he ask me to cover one I have a conflict on? I just don't get it. I can't even think about looking for another job with this economy. I don't really see moving as an option either. We are too rooted here. I am hoping that working towards my Masters might open some doors for me. Initially I was hoping that having a baby would change the situation at work but now I am fearful that things will remain the same. I don't know if I can handle that.
Last week was filled with so much fun and the party we went to with all the kids was so great. I am so ready to be a part of that club. We were the only couple with out kids. It wasn't even the cute little baby that got to me. It was all the love and need all the kids have for their parents. I want that. I want that so bad.
All hope is not lost. I am not even half way through the 2WW. I can't decide if I feel hopeful or not about this cycle. I'm just kind of blah right now.

Why I feel like I'm on vacation

Today I felt like I was on vacation even though I haven't gone anywhere and I'm at work. Why is this you ask? I think it has to do with the change in "routine" and the lack of work, not to mention all of Brian's friends in town. Monday night as I mentioned his friends came over, Tuesday night we "crashed" a birthday party at his other friend's parent's house. Last night we went to a baseball game and enjoyed some adult beverages. We've been staying up really late and I have still been getting up at 5:30am for my morning workout. Today after my strength workout I headed downtown to meet Brian and his friend for breakfast and bloody Mary's. It was the perfect morning. Cool but with sunny skies and the anticipation of a beautiful day. I thought to myself as I walked through our quaint downtown, "Who goes out to breakfast on a Thursday morning? Furthermore, who drinks on a Thursday morning at 7:30am before going to work?" This is why I feel like I'm on vacation. I don't really feel guilty about having "a drink" before work. I kind of feel guilty since I possibly ovulated yesterday or today. I'll back off from now on. Just think (hope) that could have been my last drink for a looooooooong time! Tonight and tomorrow night we don't have plans...yet. It's just nice to not be so tied down to my work. No way could I have done all this during the school year. Sigh! Such is life.

Babies and kids galore!

So, as I've mentioned before a bunch of DH's friends who live out of state are in town this week and weekend with their families. Last night his buddy from Colorado, his wife, and their three girls stopped by. I know DH had told me that this couple had trouble conceiving and even miscarried a couple times and now they have 3 little girls ages 3, almost 2, and 3 months. We had never met the littlest one and she was so cute! It was so fun to have them in our house, our yellow lab went crazy over them! This weekend we're getting together with the whole gang. EVERYONE has multiple kids. There will 12 kids ranging from age 12 to 3 months. Man do I love kids! I think this might be tough. Not to mention I'm sure will get the question about when we are going to have kids. I'm pretty sure most of them know we were "planning" on having kids after we went to Alaska which was almost a year ago so maybe the suspect we're having troubles. I am expecting to O between now and Friday. DH and I bd'd last night. I won't go into details but let's just say it did not go well. DH hates all the pressure during this time. I think it made it worse that he had just seen me laughing and cuddling and cooing over the little ones. I kind of feel crumby and hopeless about the whole thing today. I feel bad for making him feel bad. I feel bad that our intimate time just isn't as fun since trying to conceive. And I feel bad that it didn't go well because it could have been a chance we missed. Not to mention I didn't go to sleep until 11pm and got up at 5:30am to workout! I am super tired. Sigh!