In a bad place

Sometimes this happens to me. I usually don't blog when it happens but I am in a bad place right now. I thought I was doing better but I am sitting here at my desk and feel like I just want to cry and hide under some blankets. I'm not really sure why. I am just so tired of everything. I'm tired of my hours at work. I know that this is the end of the year and it's okay to feel tired but for some reason I can't see the end. Sure classes are over in a week and a half but I still have to get trough finals week which entails many hours spent sitting in the church basement "babysitting" the three college students who have to stay and study all night long. After that I still have youth ministry, the mission trip, and today my boss said she wants me to add a program for our graduating seniors and the parents about what going to college is like. Will it ever end? I am seriously considering starting a Masters program this Summer because I thought that my schedule would be lighter in June. In reality it's not exactly "light" I still have Freshmen Registration to attend to. When I look at the intensity of the courses (9 graduate credits in two weeks!) and the home work I think, "Do I really want to do this? Do I have time to get all this done? What will I be giving up if I do this?" I'm tired of TTC watching my chart looking at the calendar and trying to fit in BD at the right time only to be disappointed in the end. I just don't know. I feel so trapped in this life. I am looking for change but don't know how to make it happen. Where do I go from here? Please God, open a door for me, I've been waiting.

Crossing unbuilt bridges

This is just warning that this post is mostly about TTC! So, I was going to post yesterday afternoon when things slowed down at the office. I had plans of writing about all the "symptoms" I was feeling: crazy intense smell, weird craving for grapefruit juice (I hate grapefruit!), cramping, tires, headaches. I was even considering testing since it was 11DPO. I'm glad I didn't because before I went home for lunch I went to the restroom and saw some spotting. I tried not to get too upset because after all it could be implantation bleeding right? It was about 3 days early for AF. But by 4pm I knew this was the real deal. I had to work about 11 hours yesterday. One thing I did was visit a soup kitchen that I take my college students to weekly. It about killed me to talk to the little gal I've befriended who is pregnant and due in August. When I finally got home it was about 8:30pm and Brian still wasn't home. I cracked a bottle of wine. When he did get home I broke down and cried. This is the first time I've gotten really upset about not being pregnant. I don't really know why. I guess since this was out 9th month trying and I honestly thought I'd have a child (or at least be close to) now.
Today I woke up feeling a little better (surprisingly since I did drink half a bottle of wine!) went for a really good run. As I was running I was thinking about all the things I could do since I am not pregnant. I'm considering doing this triathlon. Last summer I wanted to do it since I figured it would be my last triathlon before being pregnant or having a new baby. (I guess I have never blogged about my experience and love of triathlons.. more to come!)I didn't do it because I had a conflict on that date. I'm also thinking of running a 5K next weekend even though I haven't been officially training but my run today felt so good! I need to lose about 10lbs to be at a healthy weight for my height. It doesn't seem like a lot but I've been struggling with it for the last year. Then of course there is the mission trip and grad school. It's funny to think that I was so concerned about being pregnant during the mission trip one day and clearly not being pregnant the next day. I'm always trying to cross bridges that aren't even built yet! I feel like I've spent the last year thinking to myself, "But what if I'm pregnant when X happens?" I'm not going to think like that any more. I must live for the day and in the present moment. To close I just want to share the daily prayer the priest sent out today. As usual it fits my circumstance perfectly!

I reprise here part of a prayer by Teilhard de Chardin:

Above all, trust in the slow work of God.

We are, quite naturally, impatient to reach the end without delay …

We should like to skip the intermediate stages.

We are impatient of being on the way to something unknown, something new.

And yet it is the law of all progress that it is made by passing through some stages of instability …

and that it may take a very long time. And so I think it is with you.

Your ideas mature gradually; let them grow; let them shape themselves, without undue haste.

Don’t try to force them on, as though you could be today what time

(that is to say, grace and circumstances acting on your own goodwill) will make of you tomorrow.

Only God could say what this new spirit gradually forming within you will be.

give our Lord the benefit of your believing that his hand is leading you.

I don't want this to happen...is that bad?

So, it's D-day. Meaning today is the day the high school kids are suppose to let me know if they REALLY want to go on a Mission Trip to Iowa where we will help gut out houses affected by the floods last year. I said we would do this if we got five kids. So far we have 3. I just reported this at a staff meeting. The priest said, "You really need to try to make this happen. It would be huge if you did. Extend the deadline, call people do whatever you can." And, I know this. This has never really been done here at this parish in the past. I know that if we do it once it could turn into a permanent summer event. It could change the lives of these young people, we could do a lot of good. BUT.. I don't want to do it! I think I've been kidding myself all along thinking that it WOULDN'T happen because we didn't get enough kids. To be honest I wasn't trying that hard. Why don't I want to do this? First of all I am SCARED! A father in the parish has already volunteered to be the male chaperon and he would be great. BUT I have never taken teenagers away for a week by myself before. And let's face it, teenagers can be a handful. I love teenagers but there's no telling what kind of trouble they can get into. I remember the mission trip I took in high school where kids brought pot along (they got busted by the way and we were never able to go back to that town again!). I'm also scared because I do not know what I'll do if I'm pregnant. And I want to be pregnant so badly and I don't want to have to worry about it. I really don't think pregnant people can muck out houses with mold and goodness knows what else is growing in it! Also, I don't really want to give up a whole week of my summer away from husband, pregnant or not. What kind of job that only pays you $30,000 a year asks you to spend so much time away from your loved ones? I mean its not like I'm some high powered business woman being asked to travel somewhere for a meeting. I feel so bad about not wanting this to happen. But its true. It makes me feel like I'm in the field. This is what ministry is and I just don't have it in me. I think it would be easier if I was single. Maybe I'm just crabby because of PMS or hopefully pregnancy hormones. Sigh! What to do what to do?

Life

Hello blog world! Not much to say. I thought of so many things to post earlier but work has been busy and now I think they've slipped my mind.
Like I said work is busy, kind of frustrating. The programs I'm in charge of for Campus Ministry require leadership position fulfilled by students. It is my job to recruit such students. Well, let me tell you! College age students (at least the ones I'm working with) do not want to lead stuff! Especially if it's religious stuff. It's been like pulling teeth! I shouldn't really say that. I have had some positive responses but it has been challenging.
As far as that mission trip goes with my teens tomorrow is the deadline for them to apply. So far I have 3 for sures, 1 maybe but pretty sure, and that's it. I said I would do it if 5 people were interested so, we shall see!
In the world of babies and TTC, I recently checked in on Babyfit. I have been purposely avoiding this site because in the past I got a little to obsessed and then felt bad when I didn't get pregnant. There were a few women who I followed on this site starting almost a year ago (wow that's hard to believe!). Like I said I hadn't checked in for a while. One woman had her baby on time all was well. Another delivered about a month early but all is well too. The third mis-carried at 23 weeks! I felt so sad for this woman. She hadn't really maintained her blog since she got pregnant and now bam! It's full of sadness. I feel really sad for this woman. She had good looking ultra sounds and everything. So, I guess when I finally do get pregnant I'll have that to worry about too! I guess I'm over half way through the 2WW. I don't really feel pregnant. My husband said I must be because I at "an attitude" yesterday. I thought that was pretty funny.
This past weekend I switched my winter wardrobe with my summer wardrobe. I got out all the shorts and cute tops and remembered thinking when I put them away last fall, "I bet I won't even be getting these out as I'll be in maternity clothes." How wrong I was! I hope I don't have to get the winter clothes out again. The good news is I haven't gained any weight since last summer so everything fits well and looks good. I can't believe its been almost year since we started this journey! I feel like I've been thinking about it forever! Sigh! Nothing else to ramble about for now!

17 again

So, every morning when I walk my dog I listen the radio program Bob and Sheri. One of our local stations broadcasts this from 5am-9am every morning. If you don't get it where you live (its a syndicated show) I highly recommend going to their website and downloading a podcast. They are so funny, and entertaining but more importantly they are real people and you totally get that from their broadcast. I usually get to listen to a portion of their show entitled "The Chatroom." In the Chatroom they ask a question and ask callers to respond. Before the Chatroom they had done a movie review of 17 again. So the question today was if you could go back to when you were 17 what would you differently? It got me thinking about where I was at 17. I was probably the biggest nerd that ever was. I was a "good" girl. When I was 16 1/2 my best friend died from cancer. That had a huge impact on my life. I was already pretty mature for my age but that really made me grow up fast. My faith played a huge part in it. I never lost my faith but it made me even stronger. It was at 17 that I started taking ownership of my faith by becoming more involved in my parish, attending retreats, volunteering and more. When I look back on it that is pretty rare for a 17 year old to do. I'm sure that when I was 17 was when I decided I want to go into ministry and even applied to the local Catholic college that help me fulfill that calling. So, what would I change? During my senior year of high school they offered a trip to level 5 Spanish students to Puerto Rico. My parents thought it would be a great experience as did I. Before we went we had to sign a form that said we would abide by all the school rules (i.e. not drinking) because some of us would be 18 and the local drinking age was 18. It never even occurred to me that this would be an issue because I didn't drink in high school. Well, the trip turned out to be a disaster. The teacher who led the trip was totally unorganized. We got placed with families who had students in a high school we were going to visit (in turn they were going to come and visit our school and stay with our families). The girl that I got placed with was not really friends with the other kids involved in this exchanged. That didn't really matter because I wasn't really friends with the kids I had come with. Things got a little scary when I hadn't heard from or seen any of my classmates or the teacher for a day or two. I even called home because I was worried. My mom called the school and they didn't even have contact information for our teacher or any of the other host families! Anyway when I finally did meet up with the others I said, "Hey! Where were you guys?" They told me that they went out to a club and got busted and now they were in trouble. I guess I didn't think much of it except that I was glad that I didn't get peer pressured into going along. However, I noticed that the other kids from my school totally shunned me after that happened. They wouldn't talk to me or anything. I mean, it's not like we were friends to begin with but it was even worse for the rest of the trip. I remember that last night we were there and we stayed in a hotel near the airport to catch an early flight. We were in a suite and I slept all alone in double bed while the rest of them stayed up late and then slept in the common area. When we returned to my hometown it was Christmas eve and our school was on break for a week or so. When we finally got back to school a friend of mine said, "Don't you know what people are saying about you??" I said, "No." She said, "They say you're the one who told on the kids that were partying in Puerto Rico." I said, " That's ridiculous! I didn't even know where they were!" Other students who weren't even on the trip started harassing me. My parents got really mad and called the school. The Dean of Students called me into his office and apologized to me and wanted to know if there was anything he could do. I told him it didn't really matter. Those people weren't worth getting upset over. Soon we would graduate and it wouldn't even matter. When I was in college I dated a guy who worked with one of the girls on that trip. When he told her he was dating me the first thing she told him was about how I narked on them in Puerto Rico. How, dumb! So, do I wish I could go back and maybe not go on the trip? (maybe, it was pretty miserable and I got sick too!) Do I wish I would have gone with them to the club? No, not really. What I would do differently is stand up for myself when people were calling me names and had a preconceived notion of who I was based on what I wore or that fact that I actually liked going to church and religion. I still have trouble standing up for myself today. But really, I haven't seen most of the folks in ages and I've changed ... but not that much! Really though it was nothing getting upset over.
Speaking of preconceived notions if you haven't already seen this it's awesome! Brought tears to my eyes!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9lp0IWv8QZY
Sorry I can't embed it!
P.s. Temps are still high today!
P.p.s. I checked my records and at the end of last summer I was about 6-7lbs heavier than I am now. What difference in the way my clothes fit those pounds make! I could stand to lose a few more before I get pregnant!

Great Day!

I am having such a great day! First of all I got up and worked out at 6am and was feel'n pretty skinny! As I was getting ready for work I checked my thermometer and my temp was up, really high which gave me just the slightest bit of hope of a triphasic pattern which usually means pregnancy. I know, I know, its way too early to tell but it was a little bit of a hopeful sign. Then I went looking for some capris pants I was sure I left out of the summer clothes bins. I found them and remembered that at the end of last summer they were feeling a bit snug and when I wore them all day I was uncomfortable. I put them on and they felt pretty good! I also remembered that it wasn't until I got to work and sat at my desk that they became uncomfortable. Well, I've been here for a few hours and they still feel pretty good! I'm not sure what I weighed last summer but I must weigh less now! I also got an email from a student who told me about a very interesting presentation today over at the University so I am going to that later. Also my two evening events for tonight got cancelled so instead of working an 11 hour day I only have a 7 hour day and I get to eat a healthy dinner with my husband! Oh yeah and did I mention that it's going to be 70 degrees today? Awesome!

Random Ramblings

Nothing real specific to say or important for that matter. I just happen to have half an hour before I leave work and my office mate (and pretty much everyone else around here) is gone so I thought I'd post.
Easter was good. I went to church a bunch because I wanted to, not because I had to. We had Easter dinner with my parents it was pretty fun. After we got home from their house my mom called me (hello?! We were just at your house for 5 hours!) she wanted to try and get all of us (my brother and his girlfriend and me an my husband) together for my dad's birthday which we missed in March because they were on a cruise. The only day my brother could do it was Wednesday. She asked me if I was busy...ahhh hello? I've worked at this church for 3 years and I've always had Youth Ministry on Wednesday night. Then she asked me if I could get out of it. Ahhhhh NO! I'm the Youth Minister. I was really ticked off, I mean fuming. I stomped around our house muttering myself. Brian said I should just call her and tell her why I was ticked off. I didn't want to that because I don't like confrontation. The reason I was ticked off was my brother, who works a "normal" job with "normal" day time hours didn't get asked to change his plans. Do you know what his plans were? Apartment hunting with the girlfriend. If I would have moved in with Brian before we got married my parents would have killed me! But no, my brother always gets excused. So, I did call her back and told her I was mad that I was being asked to get out of "work" or my "job" and my brother got let off the hook. She said it wasn't true that his girlfriend worked weird hours too. Anyway, I'm not sure why I even wrote all that. I am so over it (I think). Maybe its because I am proud of myself for actually telling someone how I feel. Normally I just keep it bottled up inside. Or maybe its just another example of how demanding this job is (see post from April 9th). The daily meditation my priest sent me today was a good one about how if we try and change the world and people around us and don't work on changing ourselves first we will waste our time. I know I can not change the nature of this job but some how I have to change how I am dealing with it. Maybe its just the end of the year blahs!
In TTC news I am in the dreaded TWW (two week wait). Meaning we did everything we could to try and get pregnant this cycle and now I have to wait until the next cycle begins or doesn't begin. I hate this part. I feel like I've spent half a year WAITING. Don't you think you would just KNOW if you were pregnant? I guess some women do. Then there are those who go full term without even realizing they are pregnant. I just don't get it!

Birthday Rambling

So, what does Kristin J. do on her birthday when she just happens to have the day off? Well, I slept in until about 6:15am (I know, wow!). Woke up with my husband and dog. Sat around watching GMA and drinking coffee. Then, I worked out for two hours! Yeah, there are two classes that I can never go to because of work. I was just going to go to the first one but then I stayed. That earned me some calories for my lunch out with friends and dinner with Brian and my parents! I better go shower and head off to church to celebrate this most important day! (Good Friday, not my birthday!)

Many Ramblings

Well! It's been awhile! Life has been very busy since I last updated! Work has been crazy. They finally finished our new offices so I was busy moving in and getting things set up. So far I am really enjoying it. I still have to share my office and it is smaller than my other office but there is just something about having something NEW. It's so clean and we have these great windows that are almost floor to ceiling that look out over the main street and over on to campus. It is also located away from the main office which is nice because I don't have as many people stopping by thinking I am the secretary. It's also kind of a bummer because I can't see if a students is coming in and want to visit.
I had a meeting last night about the Mission Trip and the small group that wants to go decided a week in July would work best so, I guess the issue of Grad school isn't real an issue any more. The work that we would be doing would be mucking or gutting out houses damaged by floods last summer. Not sure how being pregnant will work with this but I guess we'll cross that bridge when and if we get to it. It is not even for certain that we will go. I am asking for a minimum of 5 young people. I know one thing for sure if I am pregnant I will not jeopardize the health of my baby for this.
I guess that what I really wanted to "ramble" about was the struggle I am having with my ministry and having a real life. The whole Grad school issue was a big one but there are little things that are getting to me as well. Just for an example. My brother-in-law, his wife, and my two adorable nieces were in town last weekend. They were busy Sat. night but were hoping to have breakfast with us Sunday morning. My husband said, "If you can go to church Saturday night that would be great." My response was, "Well, actually I HAVE TO go to church Saturday night because the full time Campus Minister can't be there an I need to do announcements and greet the University students. And I CAN'T do breakfast because I HAVE TO go to church in the morning because I am doing a meeting for parents of incoming 9th graders to my youth program next year." So I missed out on spending time with my nieces. Then later in the day (on Sunday) some friends of ours called. They invited us to some hunting display (husband is a BIG hunter) and dinner at bar. Not like I'm really into hunting or bars but I really like these friends and we don't get together very often BUT I couldn't go because....yep you guessed it... I was expected to be back at church for our Sunday evening service. I know that these don't seem like huge important events. I mean it's not like I'm missing out on people's weddings or baptisms but I feel like I have to plan my whole life around this job. If I know about something far enough in advance I can usually plan my programming around it but if I already have something in my calendar work related then forget it. I've spent almost three years living like this. This doesn't even account for how it has affected my marriage. I rarely get to eat dinner with my husband and 3-4(some times more) nights a week I am here. He works a day job so SOMETIMES I get to see him for a couple of hours before I have to go back. When do finally get home he's not always awake and I am exhausted. Gee, no wonder we're not pregnant yet! When I don't have to go back and we do get to eat dinner together it is such a joy, it feels so normal. That is what I really want a "normal" life. A job where I work during the day and have my own time in the evenings. I use to perform in community theater when I was a teacher. Now, when ever I go to see a play at our community theater I feel this deep longing and sadness. There is no way I could be in a production with my schedule at work. It's the little things that are really getting to me right now. I really don't know what to do about it. I realized the other day that I went into this academic year thinking, "Any day now I'll find out I'm pregnant and then it will only be a matter of months (9 to be exact) and this crazy schedule will change." Because there is no way I can keep this up with a baby. I guess I was hoping a baby would force my work place to change. But now, there is no baby and we are already looking ahead to next year. Sounds like more of the same. Sigh! I really don't know what to do. Honestly I like the work I do just not the job. Some day I'll do a post on how my job is set up and how I think things should be around here. It's just so frustrating. I've just been thinking about it a lot, no real conclusions. I think that if I was called to be somewhere else God would let me know. I don't feel called to leave this work but I don't know how I can continue with this job.
In TTC news we are trying a more...rigourous...method so we've been a little...uh...busy! We'll see if it's in God's plan for us this time!
I am really looking forward to Easter. Sometimes working for the church also hinders my spiritual life. I often don't want to participate in any of the extra things we do around here because either A. I'll be put in charge of something or B. I've already been here five nights this week. I think with Easter I can truly get into it without worrying. I really have no responsibilities. We didn't have Youth Ministry last night so I thoroughly enjoyed the Seder supper we did for our University students, tonight is the Holy Thursday potluck and Mass, then tomorrow is Good Friday and my birthday so I don't have to work. I'll attend the noon service. Not sure about Easter. I always loved the Triduum growing up and I think the parish I now work for does a great job with our services. It's just so powerful and dramatic. Truly the most important celebration of the year.
I guess that's all for now! Blessed Easter to all!

Still here

I'm still around. Just busy. I've been having a lot of thoughts lately and plan on posting soon. Maybe even later today, for sure tomorrow!