Wednesday, June 4, 2008


My daily meditation today talked about God's unconditional mercy and grace. Last night I had a dream, I'm not really sure what it was all about but it seemed to me that I was at the college I attended but working in the ministry that I am currently in. I made a suggestion to "my boss" and he turned it down, with a good explanation. This is very similar to what has happened in the past. For some reason, in my dream, I started to emotionally break down, feeling like I wanted to cry and that perhaps I should say something, stand up for myself but I didn't. I began to get frustrated because I didn't know what to say! In the dream I went somewhere private and did cry. I felt like I knew I had done something wrong, like I had let people down, like it was all my fault. Yet, I don't remember what it was that I did except for make that suggestion
How odd this dream seemed to me, especially since virtually NOTHING is going on around here involving our students and programming. I think part of me is fearful. I want to have this new found confidence. I do want to stand up for myself. But, I am worried that I will continually be shot down and that I won't be able to handle the constant rejection. I also, as always, don't want to let anyone down. When things go wrong I immediately tend to internalize it and blame myself.
On another note I must say it feels so luxurious to have so much free time in the evenings. Yesterday I got home, walked, played with, and fed the dog before my husband got home. Washed this dishes from the night before, knitted while watching tv, ate dinner with my husband, went shopping for some bachlorelette items I needed for a friend's party this weekend, picked up groceries we needed for tonight, picked up a book I needed, got home ans washed the dishes from last evenings supper, wrapped my girlfriend's bridal shower presents, read, and went to bed! All this before 10pm! I think the hardest part is transitioning between this easy time and the craziness that comes at the end of August and the beginning of September. I am definitely not thinking about that right now. Who knows? Maybe I'll be pregnant and can use that as a excuse!

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