I'm sitting in my office (on a Sunday) in between our two services. We're honoring our high school grads at each of the morning Masses and I was suppose to give a presentation about transition from high school to college and your faith life but...NO ONE showed up! There were tons of cute babies and kids at the earlier Mass. I was thinking about how last year when I did the high school grad recognition I thought I would be VERY pregnant or even not be here. I never thought it would take us this long to get pregnant. DH and I were talking about our "method" for trying the next time I ovulate (still waiting to O). This will be our 11th cycle. I'll admit I'm getting a little nervous. DH and I haven't talked about what happens IF we don't get pregnant after the next cycle. Things at his work are not going well. He found out on Friday that he will not be getting a raise this year (no one will) and they are anticipating cutting more hours. Part of be believes that we have not been blessed with a child because maybe our finances can't handle it right now during the recession. My job is fine BUT there is no way I could work part time after having a child considering DH's situation. That being said, can we even afford IF treatments? DH said there is also talk about cutting medical insurance. I don't even know how much they cost but from what I've read they sound expensive! One thought I had during Mass was maybe after cycle number 12 we should stop "trying" so hard. I went into this full force, charting, temping, reading etc. Maybe if we can't afford it we should just let God do His work. Usually when I have a thought like this in church I take it pretty seriously. I'm not giving up hope yet just thinking.
I guess it's been awhile. After my last post an evening of sulking and a weekend of drinking and eating way to much I came to realize that I wasn't really mad at my boss. Okay, so yeah I was but I was even more mad at myself for not standing up for myself. My husband so kindly pointed this out to me. I need to work on this, I'm just too nice and I end up getting walked all over. Besides that we had a great memorial day weekend. We stayed in town and one my husbands good buddies came home for a visit. He has been in the navy ever since I've been with Brian living in San Diego, Kuwait, and Okinawa. He is finally withing driving distance. My husband is so great. He helped his buddy and his dad out with some chores. Then they both helped my little brother move (they both had trucks and are strong!) I pretty much tagged along and helped open doors and stuff. Then the two were planning on going fishing. I asked if they were okay with having some female company. They said sure but that I had to know that no topic was off limits, meaning they weren't going to watch what they said around me. I was cool with that. I got bored with fishing after awhile and ended up reading my grad school stuff. I really like hanging with the guys. I am the oldest and only have one little brother I didn't have any guy friends until I was in college and since I am 8 years younger than my husband all of his buddies have kind of become like big brothers to me. It's pretty fun. Since I know I'm not pregnant I was able to keep up my beer drinking with my husband's buddy so that was fun! BTW DH's friend is an OBGYN (how many acronyms can one use in a sentence?). We didn't talk about the whole pregnant thing (that would have been weird). Apparently DH has talked with him about it before and he said to give it a year. I guess I'll take his advice. Other than that work has been super slow. I've actually been reading and writing for my grad school program, I don't really feel bad about this since I am "expected" to be here but there really isn't anything to do. That's about it. Pretty boring post!
I was having a perfectly pleasant day. I got up early to hit the pool for some laps and even congratulated myself on biking to the Y instead of driving. The weather today is beautiful, less wind then the past couple of days, sunny, high 60's almost 70. I got to work happy for the fact that I have virtually little or no work to do. A little frustrated that I am "expected" to be here even when there is nothing to do but dealing with it because I can virtually take a mental vacation. Pretty soon I'll start my "summer hours" where I only come into the office Tuesday-Thursday which elevates the boredom. I'm not planning on doing a lot with the youth since I am giving a week of my time to the mission trip. I dinked around on the Internet for awhile and updated some software on my computer. I even sat outside for awhile and read for my graduate class. Then I get an email from my Campus Ministry boss who I must admit for the past year hasn't really bugged me. It said, "I am ready for you to take over Sally's (Salvation Army) for the summer. Thank You" There was no discussion about this. He just assumed I do it. He didn't even ask if that was okay with me. At least he said "thank you." It just really upset me. I don't know why. I just want to be free of responsibility from this place for a little while. Grant it it is only about an hour and a half of my week but now I have to constantly think about it. If we do take off for a long weekend I always have to be back for Sally's. It's one less hour after work that I get to spend with my husband. Why should the responsibility automatically be assumed by me? Why does everyone but me and the priest get the virtually the whole summer off? I'm not even taking a two week vacation this year. Just as I started getting upset for no apparent reason two moms walked by my office pushing kids in strollers and carrying a little baby in a front pack and then I got really upset, I'm close to tears now. I want to be them! I want to trade the responsibility of this insane job for the insane responsibility of a child. I was honestly doing okay with not being pregnant right now but this little incident has thrown me into a tailspin. I know this is terrible but I honestly think that if I had a child then I would be treated differently around here. The expectations would be different. Maybe that's why God hasn't blessed me with a child yet. Maybe He thinks my motivation is wrong. Maybe it is...I don't know. At this time last year I honestly thought I would be very pregnant or have a newborn baby and be on maternity leave at the perfect time when nothing is going on. Instead I'm staring down a boring summer stuck in the office, a week away from my husband doing manual labor, and working on my day "off" and wondering (fearing) if I'll ever get pregnant. I guess I feel a little better writing about it but not really. I just get this sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach that nothing is going to change around here. I was able to change my attitude but for how long can I keep this up? Unless something drastic changes (like I do get pregnant) things are just going to be the same.
Temp dropped this morning. At least this month AF announced her arrival unlike last month when she showed up two days "early" without any warning when I was working a 12 hour day! I'd be lying if I didn't say I was a little sad. I really did think I was pregnant. I just felt so different, or abnormal for me. Well, on to cycle 11.
Well, still no temp drop and no AF. I have had what I think I are cramps all day. They kind of feel like AF cramps but it also feels like if I went to the bathroom (I mean #2 here) I'd feel better and I haven't gone and don't really feel like it so I guess that means I'm constipated? (See I told you TMI). Of course I've been running to the bathroom checking for AF constantly! Other than that nothing. No headaches (classic PMS symptom for me) not tired, or crabby. I am 13DPO and my longest LP has been 14 so if AF doesn't show up by tomorrow I might test again Thursday. On another note this past weekend we met up with some friends for a cruise on the river. It was super fun! I was a little worried because I knew I wouldn't be drinking and people might bug me or I might feel left out. I was also worried because one of girl friends who just found out she is pregnant (2months) was coming and I didn't want to feel sad about her talking about being pregnant. She is the girlfriend who got pregnant with her first child on the FIRST TRY! She lent me the book Taking Charge of You Fertility and assured me I'd be pregnant in no time. She has something wrong with her uterus so her last pregnancy and this one were considered high risk. She already had an ultrasound and all these tests. It was actually really good to see her and chat about pregnancy and other things with her. She is a really great person and I have such a good time when I'm with her it makes me wonder why we don't do it more often! It was also nice to be with someone who wasn't drinking because everyone else was...a lot! Anyway I just checked my email and she sent one saying she lost the baby yesterday. I was so sad for her, I almost felt like crying. I've had friends lose babies before but I never felt that sad. I guess when you are TTC it just puts a different spin on things. I don't even know what it's like to lose a baby but I know what it feels like to hope and dream for only a short amount of time only to have it taken away. I'll definitely be praying for her. As for me I pray these rumbles in my tummy are just someone trying to make a home for 9 months! And until then I guess I'll be wearing dark colored pants!
I think this is the hardest part for me. According to my "fertility software" AF is due tomorrow. Sometimes the day before AF does come (or the day of) my temp drops. Today it DID NOT. However this has not been a consistent sign that happens all the time. I also usually feel terrible! Bad headache, tired, cranky. Today...nothing I actually feel really good, I've gotten a lot accomplished and I'm about ready to teach a class at the YMCA. I also tend to gain weight. Today I jumped on the scale and saw a number lower that I have seen in looooong time! Even less then the other day! As far as symptoms go I feel these can be attributed to either AF or pregnancy or phantom pregnancy. Yesterday I was soooooooo hungry! I could not stay full! I'd eat and be hungry shortly there after. I'm not so hungry today. My boobs hurt a lot (today they don't which kind of makes me think AF is on her way). I also had a really weird craving for lime sherbet. This is really weird to me because I don't even really eat sherbet. We bought some and it was sooooooooo good! I also really wanted a hot ham and cheese sandwich...again something I don't usually eat. I didn't have one though, I still think that sounds good. I took to pregnancy tests on at 10DPO and one today at 12DPO both were negative. I haven't given up hope though not until AF comes! So yeah, this is where I am just hanging up hoping that AF doesn't show up. If she does I am definitely having a glass of wine!
Well I made it! This is the day I think I've been looking forward too all year. THE END! Today was the last day of the semester for my students. Now I am FREE for 3 months. Well, not exactly "free" but my load gets a lot lighter now, and I actually feel like a weight has been lifted. We have a lot of plans for the summer what with my grad school, triathlon, and Mission Trip. We are also trying to get on the calendar "mini trips" to visit our friends and family close by. It seems busy but I don't care. My nights should be more free and at least we have plan. When I'm in the midst of things here at work I have to look week by week to see when I'm obligated for things. At least I know when all my obligations for summer are! I am super excited about grad school. According to the Internet my books are waiting on my door step right now. When I was telling Brian my schedule for those four days he says, "Now you WANT to do this right? I can see you not wanting to do it because of the time commitment (most of the classes are all day but some are late afternoon to late evening )." Of course I'll be okay with it because I WANT to do it, I don't HAVE to do it. That makes a huge difference don't you think? Today when I weighed myself I've been the lowest I've been in March of 2008. I think I've lost 13lbs since September. Not a huge amount but it is making a difference. In TTC news, I'm 9DPO. I have NO symptoms of PMS or phantom pregnancy symptoms except for a few twinges in my belly...but I've had those before, they feel like I've pulled muscle even though I haven't done any exercise. I also (just today and WARNING TMI) have had sore breasts...but I've had those before. The only weird thing is I've been craving root beer. I actually had some today, real not diet (I never drink regular pop...I rarely drink pop period) and it tasted sooooooo good. I still kind of want some more. I've never been an early tester. I just wait for AF to show up. The only time I tested was when I wasn't charting and it appeared I was a week late but I wasn't. I kind of feel like testing tomorrow just because I know people who have gotten positives at 10DPO AND I have a bunch of cheap tests from the Internet, AND we are going "out" with friends if I new for sure I wasn't pregnant I wouldn't feel bad about not drinking...but I'll probably not drink anyway because I like to play it safe. So that's all from me. Lots of random ramblings. Next weekend my husband childhood friend is coming "home" he's been the army for as long as I've known him living in San Diego, Okinawa, and Kuwait. He'll finally be with in driving distance living only about 2 1/2 hours away. We think he and his wife are separated (long story) but she is close now too and they are still friends so they might come up too. Can't wait to see them. Our other friends from Alaska and Colorado will be here after that so it will be nice to see them and a great way to kick off the summer! I can't wait! Wouldn't it be wonderful if we got to share the news that we're pregnant too!!!
Well, we are in the midst of finals week. During finals week we keep our building open for our students so that they have a quiet place to study. We also provide snacks and coffee. Because of this someone needs to be in the building until all the students have left. This is the third year I've done this and the 6th finals week I've been through. The first year I was here students stayed until 2am! I've already done one of my "late shifts" on Sunday night and it was only until midnight. It really isn't that bad. I bring my knitting and usually borrow movies from the library and watch them on my laptop. The worst part is being away from my husband, and trying to resist all the snacks and goodies! Last Sunday I was successful in resisting the food! The problem is once I do leave to go home I'm so wound up that it takes me awhile to fall asleep and I don't sleep well. Yesterday I had the whole day off so I was able to sleep until 8am but I was still really tired. I went to bed before 9pm and woke up today at 5:30am to workout. I am still really tired right now which is not good since I have another late shift tonight, youth ministry tomorrow night AND the late shift. But after that my calendar is looking a lot more FREE! To be honest, last year at this time I was thinking I would have a new baby at home or would be very pregnant and not have to do the late shift! I don't know when it will start but in the past summers I've only worked in the office 3 days a week so that will be nice. I'm kind of hoping I'm still tired because I pregnant but its a little early to start with the "phantom" symptoms. I almost half way through the 2ww. I'm already looking at my calendar saying, "If I am pregnant I'll be this many weeks for this party, and this many weeks for this trip." Psycho, I know! But as I've learned it's what we go through. I hope to not have any more "phantom" symptoms!
So, for a week or two now (maybe even longer) I've felt like I've been in "limbo". Meaning I was waiting to hear news about certain things in order to make other plans. It was really driving me nuts because I like to make plans and know what's going on. A long while ago I was waiting to for my youth to decide when they wanted to go on the Mission Trip. Once that was determined I could apply for graduate courses in June. But then I was waiting to hear if I got in and if I could get a scholarship. I wanted to do a triathlon this summer but grad school might have conflicted with it. So, today the director of the graduate program stopped by and said they could offer me half the cost of ONE class per semester. This works out PERFECTLY! I was really starting to freak out about taking 9 credits (3 classes) in 2 weeks and having to get the homework for those courses done in one month. Also if I did do all 9 there was no way I could do the Tri. The course the director suggested fits in perfectly with the Tri. the classes I teach at the YMCA and my responsibilities for Freshmen registration. The course I have to take in the fall isn't so perfect but I'll deal. As long as I get it in my planner now I'm committed. I'm so happy everything worked out...just like God planned...duh! I can just see our 2009 Christmas Letter now, This past summer Kristin completed a Triathlon, started working on her master's degree AND took 5 young people to Iowa to help with the flood relief.
Now if only we could add to that letter, Our greatest blessing of 2009 is finding out we are pregnant with our first child. We look forward to his/her arrival in 2010!
It will all happen in God's time, I know. A lot of posts from other blogs I read have been about waiting. It's always something to keep in mind. I feel like I have been "waiting" a lot this year but maybe not in a positive way. I'm going to try and do better as I enter another 2WW. I'll wait in joyful hope for whatever God has planned for me.
p.s. I'm wearing a shirt today that kind of makes me look pregnant. You know the type that has an umpire (empire?) waist and is really full on the bottom? Not sure how I feel about this. I like the top a lot and if I was pregnant I could probably wear it but... anyone else have troubles with these tops? I bought a couple at the end of last summer thinking they would come in handy when I did get pregnant but now I'm not so sure if I should wear them.
I've never been blog tagged before! I don't know why I'm so excited! Thanks Jessica!
8 things I'm looking forward to 1. Being pregnant 2. Being a mom 3. The semester being over! 4. Getting done with work today! 5. A visit from our friends in Alaska 6. Summer! 7. My sister-in-law having her baby 8. Grey's Anatomy this week!
8 things I did yesterday (only 8?) 1. Went for a run 2. Made homemade pasta sauce 3. Cleaned the bathroom 4. Scrubbed the floors 5. Paid the bills 6. Drove around Amish Country with my dad 7. Got lost in Amish Country with my dad! 8. Had a meeting at work
8 Things I wish I could do 1. Get pregnant 2. Scuba dive again 3. Not have to worry about money 4. Remodel my kitchen 5. Have job in my field with "normal" hours 6. Be good at a sport 7. Not have to worry about what I eat 8. See my friend Laura again
8 Shows I watch 1. What not to Wear 2. Survivor 3. The Office 4. Grey's Anatomy 5. Private Practice 6. Desperate Housewives 7. Parks and Recreation 8. Good Morning America
8 Places I'd like to travel 1. Italy 2. Greece 3. Mexico 4. Maine 5. Prince Edward Island 6. Alaska 7. Peri 8. Ireland
I'm only going to tagKim because I think everyone else I read has been tagged!
So, many a curious thing has happened since my last post. After getting slightly overwhelmed with all that was going on in my life I went looking for an excuse not to start work on my masters this summer. I found a pretty good excuse. Money! Since Brian lost his position as team leader money has been tight. We are lucky that he still has a job but he did take a significant pay cut and I'd be lying if I said it didn't affect how we live. We discussed the cost of the grad program I'm thinking of applying to. He said we could make it work but it would be tough. We'd have to seriously cut back on some things in our life. We live pretty simply as it is so I couldn't even imagine what we would cut out. He said he wouldn't tell me what to do but it was up to me. I also took into consideration the fact that if we did have a child that costs money and time. Would I even be able to complete the program? I had it all made up in my mind that I wasn't going to apply. I actually felt pretty good about my decision. I was even going to blog about how clearly I thought God was leading me. Later yesterday evening I was volunteering at the soup kitchen I regularly go to. A man was there who just happens to be the director of the masters program I was thinking of applying to. This man has had great influence in my life. When I was 12 he told me he thought I should go into religious studies. I didn't even know what that meant at the time. But obviously that and the many other encounters I had of this man in my home parish and as one of my undergrad professors had an influence in my life because here I am working for the church. He said to me, "I hear you'll be joining us in the Masters of Servant Leadership program." I hesitated and then explained why I wouldn't be. He said I should come and talk to him later. Well, I had to leave and drop off the college girls I brought with me last night. I was kind of happy because then I could go home early. But, I didn't get to talk to the professor. After I dropped the girls off I decided to fill my car and turned towards the gas station except I couldn't get into the gas station because there is now a median on the street I was on with no left turns. I just happened to be headed back in the direction of the soup kitchen. So, I went back. My husband wasn't expecting me for another hour or so anyway. I chatted with the professor and he said to write up what I needed and he'd see if there was scholarship money available and that, "We don't want to lose you." So, I'm thinking that was a pretty clear direction from God. Brian and I talked it over and he said ask for half he thought we could pay for half. So with my application I wrote a letter asking for half. I don't know if it will happen but then I will know for sure where God is calling me. I think the reason I was looking for an excuse was I was once again putting my life on hold for this baby I don't have yet. Even if I do get pregnant (and I still really hope I do) I can do this! I must do this! I need to do this! And if it is not meant to be (I don't get the money) I'll be okay with this too, it is in God's plan.
I am a complex 29 year old working in ministry trying to balance the call to do God's will and still keep my sanity! I also love to swim, bike, run (triathlon), lift weights, and Zumba! I am committed to living a healthy lifestyle eating right and moving more! My husband and I have been married for 3 years and are trying to start our family!