Conversation Part 2

So, after letting yesterday’s conversation roll around in my head all last night I had a thought. I was trying to go to sleep when all the things I should have said were popping through my mind. Then why don’t you just say them?! Was my final thought before finally falling asleep? I slept well but when I woke up remembered that there was something important I ought to do today. I considered my decision throughout the morning as I worked out and walked dog. When I arrived at my office I was boldly going to approach my boss, but found his office to be closed. So I shot off and email asking to meet with him. Within the hour he responded and we met. And do you know what? I felt so much better! I told him how yesterday's conversation took me by surprise because for the past few months I was happy and I had tried to set my troubles aside. I said that sometimes I feel inferior or subordinate to him, especially when he questions something I do. I also admitted that I need to stop interpreting what and how he says things to me and if I am bothered by it to ask for clarification. I don't know if he got it but at least I said it. I need to stop seeing this man as a weirdo, or an old guy. It is not that I don’t respect him. It’s just that for the longest time I have had myself convinced that we are just two very different people and we just don’t get along. After reading my entry and the email I sent to a friend I realized again that this is not true. We are much more similar than I think either one of us realizes. I really do want to get along with him. I guess it is just going to take a little more effort on my part.
Other than that things are pretty slow and boring around here. I don’t really have any programming coming up that I need to plan for so pretty much all day I dinked around on the internet, watched last night’s Frontline which was very interesting and talked about the youth of today and their connection (obsession) with the internet, read a little… that’s about it. Tonight is the last official night of Youth Ministry for the school year. We’re going bowling. Last year this was really fun so I’m looking forward to it. I wonder what I’ll do next week??????

Conversation

I know I said I was going to make a more consistent effort at keeping this blog updated. Truth be told I took a short break from my job. After putting in 42 hours in just 4 days I needed to get away from this building.
Today I returned to work in my office only to be met with a difficult situation. Not so much difficult in a “hard to do” sense but difficult as in hard to deal with. My heart is so confused right now. So my Campus Ministry boss who I have mentioned before asked to meet with me today. This did not seem so unusual to me as we normally meet on Tuesdays but since we literally have no programming going on I was curious as to what we were going to talk about. Well, you could have blown me over with feather. He had a somewhat serious look on his face when he said, “I have noticed that you do not seem to be happy working with me. What is that all about?” Whoa! I guess I haven’t been as subtle as I thought. It is true I am very challenged working with this man. As I’ve mentioned before, he (and the rest of my colleagues) are in their 50’s and I am in my late 20’s this in and of itself is a challenge. Another challenge is my boss just has a very different personality. He is very quiet and private, doesn’t share much of himself with others. He does not offer praise for a job well done. Last year was even worse, he didn’t even tell me what he wanted to done and then would be aggravated when I didn’t do it right. So yeah, I’m not happy. But, I have been trying so hard to just let it go, to just do my thing, to be myself. So when he confronted me with this issue I couldn’t bring up specific examples of why it is challenging to work with him. I wish I could have. Because this meeting was at 9am I’ve been letting the thoughts whirl around me head all day. I did tell him that I myself am not very good at expressing when something bothers me, I let it fester and boil inside of me which I am sure comes off as negative anyway. I just don’t know how to work with this guy. And I want to I really want to. He is such a good man. Here is something I emailed to a friend. This took place after the concert in memory of the religious studies professor who died (my boss’s name has been removed)

The way things are being done at (name of parish) , it’s just not right. Things don’t have to be this way. I shouldn’t be put in the position of low woman on the totem pole. I have so much to give but am constantly being oppressed and criticized.” If I do take this job am I giving up? Am I a failure? Should stay and fight? I don’t know if I am strong enough to stay and do that.
Then,(my boss's) musical group came up to perform. They played a song as a group. Then (my boss) spoke about a song that our professor loved to hear him play and his voice cracked as he told the story. It was a beautiful story and his voice cracked again as he sang the song for our professor. I was truly struck with a moment of grace. Here is the man I work with everyday who NEVER and I do mean NEVER expresses any emotion to me and never shares a part of himself with me, nearly crying in front of an entire audience. And I realized that he and I are not so different people. But he doesn’t see this. I just wished so badly that things could be different. That he could open up to me and see me and treat me as an equal. Not feel threatened by me and treat me like a servant. I am not saying he is mean to me and he always thanks me for the little errands and jobs I do for him. But I think as long as we are both here he will always see himself as the Campus Minister and me as the Associate Campus Minister. I don’t know if it is because I am young or a woman or what. Sometimes I get the feeling that he doesn’t really like me. I just don’t know if I can deal with that for a life time. I know that I have talked to Father about this and he just confirms that this is my boss’s personality. It just makes me so sad. Things could be so different, so wonderful. The whole situation makes me feel like I cannot do a good job within my ministry. I just don’t know what to do. Wait it out? Fight it out? Leave?

At that point I was interviewing for another job. But I decided to stay and fight. Or rather God decided as I didn't get the job. I just wished when we had this conversation earlier today that I would have been prepared. Maybe it’s better this way. I had let the past go. Now I can only change how I react to things in the future. I am glad he brought it up, even if it is painful.

I worry though, about how much more of this I can take. Perhaps it is just the end of the year talking but, I do seriously plan on becoming pregnant, sometime soon. I don’t know how my body will react to that. What if I can’t do all that is expected of me? What happens after I have a child? I try not to think of these things but I am a perpetual worrier. I must pray more, I’ve gotten away from it. I just so badly want a normal life, one that I don’t have to work so hard to be happy at.

Today

So it is this ministry that has led me to write this blog. I am currently at the end of my second year as Associate Campus Minister and Coordinator of Youth Ministry. It has not been an easy two years. In fact I have applied and sought out several (5 to be exact) other jobs over these two years. Fortunately God has gently told me that this is where I am suppose to be, even if it doesn’t always seem that way. A woman I work with told me that it took her two years to fully realize that this is a ministry not a job. I didn’t know what she meant until a few months ago.
In addition to the normal challenges that ministry brings I am faced with what I call our “dysfunctional” parish staff. Don’t get me wrong, I love all the people I work with. We are just all so unique and sometimes interact like oil and water. Also, it is balancing act working with high school students and college students. There’s always something going on.
Because of my situation for the longest time I thought I wasn’t good at this “job” I wasn’t cut out for ministry. Admidtly my heart is still attached to teaching but I know that God had called me here for a purpose.

A little background on the place where I work. I am the only person on staff under the age of 48, with the majority of the staff being in their 50’s and having worked here 10 years or more. The Priest is a brilliant and dramatic man who essentially is the boss of all us. However, I also have to other bosses I answer to. One for Youth Ministry who is a dear woman who I get along with really well. Sometimes I think her ideas for working with young people are a little off base but she does her job (D.R.E. grades K-8) really well. My other boss is quiet an eccentric man. He keeps to himself and no one knows a whole lot about him. He has such a kind heart and a passion for finding Christ in the least of God’s people. However, sometimes (most times) he treats me as a nuisance and expects me to do things similar to him. This is mostly where I am challenged. I often feel boxed in by his expectations of me. I don’t have a lot of freedom to do new programs or even do current ones in my own style. I am slowing feeling that this is changing.

What had changed most is me and my attitude. This past winter a beloved professor and mentor of mine ( and so many others) passed away from Cancer. He taught me so much about ministry and the always believed in my gifts. He didn’t tell me how hard it would be. How jaded I would become after the school I loved to much didn’t need me anymore, how the priest I idolized would leave the priesthood to marry a young woman, how my heart would break when he left this world. After a very spiritual experience on a Spring Break service trip, which I led by myself I realized what a gift I have. I know that my youth, my kindness, my openness are the gifts that I bring to these young people. For now I am here in this place that God has called me to. I am coming to realize that all these experiences have made me who I am. It is my role in ministry to wake up every day and ask God how I am best serve him that day.

The most challenging part is the hours. I rarely get to see my husband. It is currently 11:00pm on a Tuesday evening. My husband is safely tucked in bed, probably snoring away. I am in the basement of our building attending to the students who are studying for finals. My husband and I are planning on starting a family soon. I don’t know how my “job” will fit into all this but I do know that my child and family will be first. If the expectations of this job don’t allow for that it might be time for a change. But, we’ll worry about that when we get there!