Conversation

I know I said I was going to make a more consistent effort at keeping this blog updated. Truth be told I took a short break from my job. After putting in 42 hours in just 4 days I needed to get away from this building.
Today I returned to work in my office only to be met with a difficult situation. Not so much difficult in a “hard to do” sense but difficult as in hard to deal with. My heart is so confused right now. So my Campus Ministry boss who I have mentioned before asked to meet with me today. This did not seem so unusual to me as we normally meet on Tuesdays but since we literally have no programming going on I was curious as to what we were going to talk about. Well, you could have blown me over with feather. He had a somewhat serious look on his face when he said, “I have noticed that you do not seem to be happy working with me. What is that all about?” Whoa! I guess I haven’t been as subtle as I thought. It is true I am very challenged working with this man. As I’ve mentioned before, he (and the rest of my colleagues) are in their 50’s and I am in my late 20’s this in and of itself is a challenge. Another challenge is my boss just has a very different personality. He is very quiet and private, doesn’t share much of himself with others. He does not offer praise for a job well done. Last year was even worse, he didn’t even tell me what he wanted to done and then would be aggravated when I didn’t do it right. So yeah, I’m not happy. But, I have been trying so hard to just let it go, to just do my thing, to be myself. So when he confronted me with this issue I couldn’t bring up specific examples of why it is challenging to work with him. I wish I could have. Because this meeting was at 9am I’ve been letting the thoughts whirl around me head all day. I did tell him that I myself am not very good at expressing when something bothers me, I let it fester and boil inside of me which I am sure comes off as negative anyway. I just don’t know how to work with this guy. And I want to I really want to. He is such a good man. Here is something I emailed to a friend. This took place after the concert in memory of the religious studies professor who died (my boss’s name has been removed)

The way things are being done at (name of parish) , it’s just not right. Things don’t have to be this way. I shouldn’t be put in the position of low woman on the totem pole. I have so much to give but am constantly being oppressed and criticized.” If I do take this job am I giving up? Am I a failure? Should stay and fight? I don’t know if I am strong enough to stay and do that.
Then,(my boss's) musical group came up to perform. They played a song as a group. Then (my boss) spoke about a song that our professor loved to hear him play and his voice cracked as he told the story. It was a beautiful story and his voice cracked again as he sang the song for our professor. I was truly struck with a moment of grace. Here is the man I work with everyday who NEVER and I do mean NEVER expresses any emotion to me and never shares a part of himself with me, nearly crying in front of an entire audience. And I realized that he and I are not so different people. But he doesn’t see this. I just wished so badly that things could be different. That he could open up to me and see me and treat me as an equal. Not feel threatened by me and treat me like a servant. I am not saying he is mean to me and he always thanks me for the little errands and jobs I do for him. But I think as long as we are both here he will always see himself as the Campus Minister and me as the Associate Campus Minister. I don’t know if it is because I am young or a woman or what. Sometimes I get the feeling that he doesn’t really like me. I just don’t know if I can deal with that for a life time. I know that I have talked to Father about this and he just confirms that this is my boss’s personality. It just makes me so sad. Things could be so different, so wonderful. The whole situation makes me feel like I cannot do a good job within my ministry. I just don’t know what to do. Wait it out? Fight it out? Leave?

At that point I was interviewing for another job. But I decided to stay and fight. Or rather God decided as I didn't get the job. I just wished when we had this conversation earlier today that I would have been prepared. Maybe it’s better this way. I had let the past go. Now I can only change how I react to things in the future. I am glad he brought it up, even if it is painful.

I worry though, about how much more of this I can take. Perhaps it is just the end of the year talking but, I do seriously plan on becoming pregnant, sometime soon. I don’t know how my body will react to that. What if I can’t do all that is expected of me? What happens after I have a child? I try not to think of these things but I am a perpetual worrier. I must pray more, I’ve gotten away from it. I just so badly want a normal life, one that I don’t have to work so hard to be happy at.