Friday, April 24, 2009

Crossing unbuilt bridges

This is just warning that this post is mostly about TTC! So, I was going to post yesterday afternoon when things slowed down at the office. I had plans of writing about all the "symptoms" I was feeling: crazy intense smell, weird craving for grapefruit juice (I hate grapefruit!), cramping, tires, headaches. I was even considering testing since it was 11DPO. I'm glad I didn't because before I went home for lunch I went to the restroom and saw some spotting. I tried not to get too upset because after all it could be implantation bleeding right? It was about 3 days early for AF. But by 4pm I knew this was the real deal. I had to work about 11 hours yesterday. One thing I did was visit a soup kitchen that I take my college students to weekly. It about killed me to talk to the little gal I've befriended who is pregnant and due in August. When I finally got home it was about 8:30pm and Brian still wasn't home. I cracked a bottle of wine. When he did get home I broke down and cried. This is the first time I've gotten really upset about not being pregnant. I don't really know why. I guess since this was out 9th month trying and I honestly thought I'd have a child (or at least be close to) now.
Today I woke up feeling a little better (surprisingly since I did drink half a bottle of wine!) went for a really good run. As I was running I was thinking about all the things I could do since I am not pregnant. I'm considering doing this triathlon. Last summer I wanted to do it since I figured it would be my last triathlon before being pregnant or having a new baby. (I guess I have never blogged about my experience and love of triathlons.. more to come!)I didn't do it because I had a conflict on that date. I'm also thinking of running a 5K next weekend even though I haven't been officially training but my run today felt so good! I need to lose about 10lbs to be at a healthy weight for my height. It doesn't seem like a lot but I've been struggling with it for the last year. Then of course there is the mission trip and grad school. It's funny to think that I was so concerned about being pregnant during the mission trip one day and clearly not being pregnant the next day. I'm always trying to cross bridges that aren't even built yet! I feel like I've spent the last year thinking to myself, "But what if I'm pregnant when X happens?" I'm not going to think like that any more. I must live for the day and in the present moment. To close I just want to share the daily prayer the priest sent out today. As usual it fits my circumstance perfectly!

I reprise here part of a prayer by Teilhard de Chardin:

Above all, trust in the slow work of God.

We are, quite naturally, impatient to reach the end without delay …

We should like to skip the intermediate stages.

We are impatient of being on the way to something unknown, something new.

And yet it is the law of all progress that it is made by passing through some stages of instability …

and that it may take a very long time. And so I think it is with you.

Your ideas mature gradually; let them grow; let them shape themselves, without undue haste.

Don’t try to force them on, as though you could be today what time

(that is to say, grace and circumstances acting on your own goodwill) will make of you tomorrow.

Only God could say what this new spirit gradually forming within you will be.

give our Lord the benefit of your believing that his hand is leading you.


Jessica said...

I do the same thing. I was actually just getting ready to do a post about it. You are not is a vicious cycle!!

Shannon said...

Wow, I love that poem, its beautiful.

I really agree with living for the moment because it helps ensure that TTC does not define who you are as a person. It helps it not control your life.

Im praying for you :)