Thursday, July 3, 2008

Bored wonderings

So, I was getting pretty bored with myself yesterday. I pretty much cleaned my entire office. As I was sorting through all the books in my office, some mine some that have been here for goodness knows how long, I was having some depressing thoughts. I was thinking, “What is the point of all this? I’ve never even used these books (I did trash some of them). If I left this job would I even care if I got my own back? I don’t really use them. This is so much not what I expected when I was a young na├»ve high school/college student.” I guess I thought that it would be so easy to attract young people to the church because I was so attracted. I have to sit and wonder why I was so attracted to religion and church when most of my peers weren’t. I guess I wasn’t very comfortable with who I was growing up. The church gave me acceptance, and identity. Now that I am more comfortable with who I am personally I am still working to figure out who I am professionally (in ministry that is). I felt like when I was teaching I was 100% myself. I don’t know if it is just my working conditions but now I don’t feel free to be myself. I am constantly walking on egg shells wondering if I am going to have to have a confrontation with one my many bosses. Or wondering which one of my ideas will be shot down. It’s hard to get fired up about ministering to others in this situation.
I’m feeling a little bit better today. I reviewed some ideas and meeting minutes that happened at the end of the school year when I did feel fired up and goal orientated. It has been stated that the priest, my campus ministry boss and myself will begin meeting next week to discuss plans for next year. I have to get my s@#t together for this. The priest always wants you to be prepares before you voice something. Confidence, confidence! And a gentle heart towards my other boss!

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