Tuesday, July 15, 2008

Many places

My head is in many places right now. For three nights I have had dreams where I am working somewhere else or am seeing the kids that I use to teach and in my dream a deep sorrow and longing comes over me. It’s not that I hate my job here but I think at the current time I am not energized, ignited, or on fire with passion for it. I have had this at other jobs. Right now all I feel is boredom and a dread that soon I will go from nothingness to craziness. Why does it have to be so extreme? On the other hand I couldn’t fall asleep the other night because I was thinking about all the things I could, would, should do next year and how it would all work together. I was also contemplating how having a child (remember I’m not even pregnant yet) would work into this job. My brain was racing with ideas and thoughts. I just don’t know. I am going to make a bigger effort to stand up for myself and for what I think should be done as far as programming and such. I can’t just sit here and let what had always been done be done over and over and over again. Yet, thinking about another year in the dysfunction that is this work place puts a knot in my stomach ache. It is exhausting trying to deal with this on a constant basis. I feel like I have been complaining a lot. I’m just not inspired right now. I know things will get better.
I did have a college student come and visit me today that is always nice.

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