Friday, May 22, 2009

Mood Swing

I was having a perfectly pleasant day. I got up early to hit the pool for some laps and even congratulated myself on biking to the Y instead of driving. The weather today is beautiful, less wind then the past couple of days, sunny, high 60's almost 70. I got to work happy for the fact that I have virtually little or no work to do. A little frustrated that I am "expected" to be here even when there is nothing to do but dealing with it because I can virtually take a mental vacation. Pretty soon I'll start my "summer hours" where I only come into the office Tuesday-Thursday which elevates the boredom. I'm not planning on doing a lot with the youth since I am giving a week of my time to the mission trip. I dinked around on the Internet for awhile and updated some software on my computer. I even sat outside for awhile and read for my graduate class. Then I get an email from my Campus Ministry boss who I must admit for the past year hasn't really bugged me. It said, "I am ready for you to take over Sally's (Salvation Army) for the summer. Thank You" There was no discussion about this. He just assumed I do it. He didn't even ask if that was okay with me. At least he said "thank you." It just really upset me. I don't know why. I just want to be free of responsibility from this place for a little while. Grant it it is only about an hour and a half of my week but now I have to constantly think about it. If we do take off for a long weekend I always have to be back for Sally's. It's one less hour after work that I get to spend with my husband. Why should the responsibility automatically be assumed by me? Why does everyone but me and the priest get the virtually the whole summer off? I'm not even taking a two week vacation this year. Just as I started getting upset for no apparent reason two moms walked by my office pushing kids in strollers and carrying a little baby in a front pack and then I got really upset, I'm close to tears now. I want to be them! I want to trade the responsibility of this insane job for the insane responsibility of a child. I was honestly doing okay with not being pregnant right now but this little incident has thrown me into a tailspin. I know this is terrible but I honestly think that if I had a child then I would be treated differently around here. The expectations would be different. Maybe that's why God hasn't blessed me with a child yet. Maybe He thinks my motivation is wrong. Maybe it is...I don't know. At this time last year I honestly thought I would be very pregnant or have a newborn baby and be on maternity leave at the perfect time when nothing is going on. Instead I'm staring down a boring summer stuck in the office, a week away from my husband doing manual labor, and working on my day "off" and wondering (fearing) if I'll ever get pregnant. I guess I feel a little better writing about it but not really. I just get this sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach that nothing is going to change around here. I was able to change my attitude but for how long can I keep this up? Unless something drastic changes (like I do get pregnant) things are just going to be the same.

No comments: