Friday, May 1, 2009

Knock and the door will be open unto you

So, many a curious thing has happened since my last post. After getting slightly overwhelmed with all that was going on in my life I went looking for an excuse not to start work on my masters this summer. I found a pretty good excuse. Money! Since Brian lost his position as team leader money has been tight. We are lucky that he still has a job but he did take a significant pay cut and I'd be lying if I said it didn't affect how we live. We discussed the cost of the grad program I'm thinking of applying to. He said we could make it work but it would be tough. We'd have to seriously cut back on some things in our life. We live pretty simply as it is so I couldn't even imagine what we would cut out. He said he wouldn't tell me what to do but it was up to me. I also took into consideration the fact that if we did have a child that costs money and time. Would I even be able to complete the program? I had it all made up in my mind that I wasn't going to apply. I actually felt pretty good about my decision. I was even going to blog about how clearly I thought God was leading me. Later yesterday evening I was volunteering at the soup kitchen I regularly go to. A man was there who just happens to be the director of the masters program I was thinking of applying to. This man has had great influence in my life. When I was 12 he told me he thought I should go into religious studies. I didn't even know what that meant at the time. But obviously that and the many other encounters I had of this man in my home parish and as one of my undergrad professors had an influence in my life because here I am working for the church. He said to me, "I hear you'll be joining us in the Masters of Servant Leadership program." I hesitated and then explained why I wouldn't be. He said I should come and talk to him later. Well, I had to leave and drop off the college girls I brought with me last night. I was kind of happy because then I could go home early. But, I didn't get to talk to the professor. After I dropped the girls off I decided to fill my car and turned towards the gas station except I couldn't get into the gas station because there is now a median on the street I was on with no left turns. I just happened to be headed back in the direction of the soup kitchen. So, I went back. My husband wasn't expecting me for another hour or so anyway. I chatted with the professor and he said to write up what I needed and he'd see if there was scholarship money available and that, "We don't want to lose you." So, I'm thinking that was a pretty clear direction from God. Brian and I talked it over and he said ask for half he thought we could pay for half. So with my application I wrote a letter asking for half. I don't know if it will happen but then I will know for sure where God is calling me. I think the reason I was looking for an excuse was I was once again putting my life on hold for this baby I don't have yet. Even if I do get pregnant (and I still really hope I do) I can do this! I must do this! I need to do this! And if it is not meant to be (I don't get the money) I'll be okay with this too, it is in God's plan.

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